Honouring the Painful Pause
A pause can be a second, a minute, a week or in my case, 8 months. I tend to go all or nothing, and that has held true for my “pause” as well. My interpretation of the “pause” is a section of time where we withdraw, get quiet, become unfocused, and generally retreat from pushing forward.
I have read a lot about honouring the pause. Which is to say, just be. Just enjoy the quiet and the uncertainty, because on the other side of the pause is clarity. Certainty. Motivation. Accomplishment. I get it, I really do. I understand at a cognitive and energetic level, the importance of honouring the pause.
My problem with the pause…
My problem (I’m betting it feels this way for a lot of us too), is that The pause is PAINFUL. Painful to my self-esteem, to my drive, and to the very core of my ego. It’s a parallel to a reoccurring dream I have had since I was a kid. The one where I am going to a ringette game (for those of you that don’t know, this is similar to ice-hockey, but only for girls … you play with sticks and rings instead of sticks and pucks), and I get there in a rush as always and realize I have forgotten a skate. Now, I am also the goalie on the team, so I am completely letting my whole team down here. I find a way to get home and get my skate, only to realize that now I don’t have one of my goalie pads. So I rush home again, get back to the rink and realize I don’t have… you get the picture. Over and over again this happens until the whole game is over and I am left exhausted, sick and so bloody mad at myself I am shaking. That’s how the pause feels for the most part for me. Like I am just too inept to figure out how to make it work and I keep running back home to get what I need, but it’s never enough.
Hiding and procrastination
This pause has been an 8 month monster of uncertainty, hiding and procrastination. Today is the first day in those 8 months that I have sat down to write. That’s a long freaking pause! But you know what? Today I feel like writing. Today I feel like getting outside for a walk. Today I feel like stepping back out in to the world. Huh… clarity, certainty, motivation and accomplishment. Well done pause, well done.
I realize too, that during this pause (because come on, there have been many in my life) I allowed the feelings to rise and move through me. I also very intentionally held on to all of those moments of peace and relaxation instead of immediately shutting them down in the name of motivation.
Honour your pause…
My message here is to do your best to honour that pause if you are in it. Trust it, and yourself, that it is working for your highest good. When the pain comes (and it will in whatever form serves you), honour that too. It is there for us, a guide, a lesson, an awareness. The pause can be painful. It can be peaceful. It can be a foggy mess. It is always necessary. So please try to love yourself through the painful pause and when you get to the other side, honour your new self too. Take a second to remember the process and the lessons, as the next pause will offer you new ones.
I wish you every success, whether you are pausing, pushing or reflecting.
Copyright 2018 Sugar Soil